Hamster Wheel

I wished my rest to be productive.

This is a horrible hamster but I have no energy to draw another one. Sorry sorryyyyyyy!

I feel like a hamster recently.

I feel bewildered. I have been trying so hard to check off as many boxes as I can on my to-do list but yet, I still feel unsatisfied and lost. I want to prove to others that I’m capable of supporting myself, I have a successful illustration career, and I am not a useless-unrealistic-artist-who-dreams-about-changing-the-world.

But the more I try to do, the more miserable I feel. I cannot see the finishing line. Where’s the destination? What’s the purpose of running? How long do I have to run? Here’s what happened: I set a goal and I achieved it. I set another goal and try to achieve it again. It’s a never ending process because I’m greedy— I have the yearning for success.

I need to come up with more stories to pitch to publishers.

I need to create more portfolio pieces to keep myself in the game.

I need to sell more prints to earn more.

I need to write more posts to show that I’m worthy.

I need to illustrate more to submit to competitions.

I need to listen to more podcasts to improve my business skills.

I need to read more books to become a successful artist.

I need to do MORE.

And I started to question myself—Why am I chasing after those GOALS? What is the purpose of these “need to”? I have been trapped in a limbo. I talked to a friend the other day and she asked,

‘Do you see a pattern here?