How to FIX your ugly paintings
The way you talk to yourself matters
When I was drawing this little rosemary girl, my head was as messy and sticky as overcooked spaghetti. I was working on another piece of “portfolio piece”. I made a sketch, decided the colour palette, planned which brushes I was gonna use. Everything was perfect. Then, I hit the wall. I spent hours on that “portfolio piece” and I hated it. I had no idea what went wrong. I loved the sketch (I still do) but when it came to the “final painting”, it just didn’t feel right. As I had a period in my life that I hated drawing humans (I would avoid any humans in my work by swapping them to food or animal characters), I thought I have reached that era again.
I spent hours and hours to fix that girl in blue sweater. Her face, her hair, her teeth, her sweater, her pants, her apron. Everything. But it didn’t work. I still hated it. And I went down that rabbit hole of doubting my ability, my self-worth, my career and even myself as a human being. I even tried to copy how other illustrators draw. All I want is to fix that girl. Of course, miracle didn’t happened.
I know I cannot work on that “portfolio piece” anymore (at least for that moment) and I have to do something else that excites me. I dig a random sketch out and brought it to life. This random drawing just took me 45 minutes from start to finish and I am very happy with it. It has so much energy in it and it feels like me.
I have been trying to fix myself for my entire life.
“I need to fix my handwriting.” — 8-year-old Amber.
“I need to fix my height.” — 13-year-old Amber.
“I need to fix my body.” — 18-year-old Amber.
“I need to fix my life.” — 24-year-old Amber.
To be honest, I still have no idea how to fix that “portfolio piece” but I realised one thing while typing this post — Hey, you don’t have to fix yourself because you are not broken. The way you talk to yourself matters. You are the most influential person in your head. Mind the words you use while talking to yourself. It’s okay to feel unsatisfied with something but knowing that all of these are process / journeys / ways / steps to grow and to know yourself better. You gain something every time when you make an ugly painting.
“Every ugly painting is as precious as every portfolio piece.” — 30-year-old Amber.
P.S. When I was drawing the rosemary girl, I was listening to the latest podcast from
. talked about letting go of making “final artwork” or “portfolio piece” and that’s exactly what I needed to listen at that moment. I feel so blessed. These illustrators are willing to share their thoughts and experiences so generously.Keep drawing, ditch fixing!
Thanks for the shout-out!
Ah! Glad that was a timely podcast!